My Dad Has Passed

Things were so hopeful of having him around for at least several months and in decent condition.

But it was cut short. I don't know to go into details about what happened... I have had to repeat it over and over to people, and it doesn't matter. Maybe in the future I will type it out. But not today. It's too raw.

I will say that it shouldn't have happened.  It was an "accident" or so we think. We will never know. But the end result of whatever happened remains the same: he bled out and died.

Best we can guess he didn't really suffer, but we haven't been through it so can we really know?

I love my daddy. He was an amazing dad. I have so, so many memories with him. Not just in pictures but in my mind. It's good for my sister to write about her memories of him... It makes me cry to remember mine. I will try to write them out. Maybe as they come to me or as I see them relived in my images. But only when I feel comfortable doing so.

In the meantime I am trying to deal day by day, moment by moment. Someone told me that the death of a close one if like a hurricane and that the waves are very intense at first but then they simmer out. I don't know how true this is. Because the waves are very mellow... and I feel that it will become more intense as time goes on.

Days like today are why I restarted this blog.

I'm sitting here crying during a work break. Lucas is being super difficult for my mom and I don't know what to do.

He is not an "easy" child. He is a 2 year old. His behavior may be typical for his age, but is so much more destructive than we have seen before that it makes it hard.

The typical punishments or redirecting don't seem to work. And I don't know what to do. I'm requesting guidance, but am lost anyway. He is healthy but has potential Apraxia (he can't be diagnosed just yet) and has been in therapy via Zoom since April.

A year ago when the doctor first suggested he might have a speech problem and wanted to do a referral I laughed, I figured he was a later talker like me. Now it's real that it's not just delayed speech. He has a problem that he needs to work hard on to improve and we need to work hard with him.

And I'm not coping with it well. I also feel like I am the only one doing anything to help. Struggling to work with him to improve and work on his speech.

I've been doing what I can to hold myself together with him, pushing aside my feelings of inadequacy as his mom. I should probably go back to therapy. I stopped when the quarantine started. At that point I was doing pretty well managing my Postpartum Depression. I reminded myself that he is his own person with different needs than his brother... and it worked. But as his behavior has grown more difficult, it makes me question my treatment of him all over again.

I need to learn to take it one day at a time. Today is a good reminder of that, because I became overwhelmed very quickly this morning.

Yes, I know this post is very rambling.... but that's what I needed to do.

I am back.

I need a place to get everything out. My brain works faster than my hands can actually write, so a written journal just doesn't make sense for me. I quit it too quickly. A word document would work... but I feel like I would quit that after a day as well. There is something to say about posting things publicly.

Not that I think anyone will ever read this, but the idea is there.

We are in a pandemic and we don't know when it will be over. Everything is uncertain. I think I've remained pretty cool mentally these past 5+ months, but sometimes I feel like I am breaking.

Right now what's on my mind is on my dad.

Last Friday afternoon my mom told me that my dad wasn't feeling well so I asked my brother to go and see what was going on. See, my dad will be 86 in a few short weeks and shows his age. My brother went and my dad has been in the hospital since that evening. Essentially my dad's kidneys and heart are giving out. He had been clear to us that he did not want to be on dialysis and so we essentially left with knowing he was going to be dying soon. Maybe a few days, a couple of weeks but no more than a couple of months.

Then after my brother spoke to him he decided he would do dialysis... if that's what we wanted. The thing is that we want what he wants. Of course we don't want him to die, but he if he is in pain or just done... who am I to decide for him. But it seems that he needed to know that we love him and need him near us. So he started dialysis yesterday. His numbers improved already. They did an echo on his heart and there are 2 things going on there, but apparently one is not horrible, and the other is managed by medication.

He will be able to come home, most likely, this weekend. And from there we will start the well known routine of dialysis. My sister spent years of her life on dialysis so we know how it works. Because of COVID we likely won't be able to be with him (even if we could because of work).

Speaking of COVID - we have been unable to see him since my brother left him at the hospital on Friday night. We've been calling him, but it's not the same. I'm sure he will be happy to come home.

My sister will be coming to visit this weekend and we'll celebrate Lucas' birthday as well as mine and my dad's (10/1) while she and the girls are here.

I am sure I will post more... when the words come.