I am back.

I need a place to get everything out. My brain works faster than my hands can actually write, so a written journal just doesn't make sense for me. I quit it too quickly. A word document would work... but I feel like I would quit that after a day as well. There is something to say about posting things publicly.

Not that I think anyone will ever read this, but the idea is there.

We are in a pandemic and we don't know when it will be over. Everything is uncertain. I think I've remained pretty cool mentally these past 5+ months, but sometimes I feel like I am breaking.

Right now what's on my mind is on my dad.

Last Friday afternoon my mom told me that my dad wasn't feeling well so I asked my brother to go and see what was going on. See, my dad will be 86 in a few short weeks and shows his age. My brother went and my dad has been in the hospital since that evening. Essentially my dad's kidneys and heart are giving out. He had been clear to us that he did not want to be on dialysis and so we essentially left with knowing he was going to be dying soon. Maybe a few days, a couple of weeks but no more than a couple of months.

Then after my brother spoke to him he decided he would do dialysis... if that's what we wanted. The thing is that we want what he wants. Of course we don't want him to die, but he if he is in pain or just done... who am I to decide for him. But it seems that he needed to know that we love him and need him near us. So he started dialysis yesterday. His numbers improved already. They did an echo on his heart and there are 2 things going on there, but apparently one is not horrible, and the other is managed by medication.

He will be able to come home, most likely, this weekend. And from there we will start the well known routine of dialysis. My sister spent years of her life on dialysis so we know how it works. Because of COVID we likely won't be able to be with him (even if we could because of work).

Speaking of COVID - we have been unable to see him since my brother left him at the hospital on Friday night. We've been calling him, but it's not the same. I'm sure he will be happy to come home.

My sister will be coming to visit this weekend and we'll celebrate Lucas' birthday as well as mine and my dad's (10/1) while she and the girls are here.

I am sure I will post more... when the words come.