This was suggested to me by someone to take notes, release my inner thoughts. I don't know if I will like it since I have to type in my phone, but it is more convenient than my computer right now.
It has been a hard 10 days.
My dad died. Died. He is gone. I miss him. I miss him being 'there'. He had been getting worse physically and mentally the last few years. But I mourn for the memories. I mourn for the times when I was little that I wish I could relive. I wish I could jump back and be a little girl that would go swimming with him after watching the swimming parts of the summer olympics in 1992 (I was 7).
Those are precious memories. I can still feel myself jumping on my toes and running to get to the grass on the walk to the community pool. The ground too hot for my baby feet, while my dad claimed his calluses prevented his from burning. He would hang his towel over his shoulder. I can transport myself to that moment. As though I am watching a video, but there is no video and no pictures. Just what is in my mind.
My blond hair flowing behind me. At the pool he would put me on his shoulders in the water and walk from the shallow end to the deep end until he went under. It felt like he was walking down steps. I loved it. It's one of the only real memories I have if the pool, but it is such a vivid and good one.
Now... I forget he is gone and when I remember it is like running into a brick wall. The reality of it. So I try to forget.
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