I explode.
I want to blame my short temper on my dad's death lately, but I know it goes much deeper than that. It is just genetics, or the way I was raised. My mom has always been a fire cracker. I can see the things she does that are exaggerated. The behaviors I don't like.
Yet I can't stop myself. It's something that I did in with girlfriends in high school and things I do now as a 36 year old. Unfortunately I haven't learned the strategies to cope and to improve.
Sometimes I think I am doing better. Sometimes I feel like I have improved, but then I apparently spiral down again without realizing it until I am so far I to the anger hole that I grasp at straws to get out.
I have tried therapy for different reasons over the years, but they are icky marginally helpful.
I posted in a mommy's group earlier something that was sort of in a mess that I am surprised anyone replied to. But one of the replied really resonated and I hope I can use the strategy that she suggested to deal with the things I say and do. I will do it in conjunction with this journal and a blog. I may just write it in here and copy it into my blog.
I get angry at things that probably aren't worth getting angry at 99% of the time.
Today my 2 year old, Lucas, somehow climbed on top of his changing table and poured baby powder everywhere and was emptying out the wet wipes. I took it I good fun at first, and called everyone in to see, took pictures, etc. Then when I was cleaning up the diapers he threw all over the floor both boys began to shove them in the basket.
They were trying to help, but I yelled for then to stop because they weren't doing it the way I wanted it. Which is also a problem of mine, when things don't go my way, the planned ir expected way.... I have a hard time handling it.
The nice woman on the post suggested to write it all down to really try and find the root of my frustrations. Writing this about my boys and the diapers made me realize it was not about /them/ doing it wrong, but that I couldn't release control of how I wanted it to look. In retrospect I know that it was not worth yelling at my kid about and that they indeed were trying to be helpful (something I definitely should encourage them on).
Now, writing this down and acknowledging it doesn't mean I'm fixed it that I'll know how to deal with it next time, but it is a start and it may remind me to stop in the moment next time.
Writing has always been something I enjoyed and did well. But at some point, I don't know when, I started believing my writing sucked. I am not creative enough or concentrate enough to do it well and so I stopped. Being busy was a good excuse to not continue writing. But as I write this up on my phone... It feels nice.
Time really is an issue, though. I feel like I don't have time to exercise, read, write, be with the kids, cook, clean, etc. I prioritize and lately exercising indoors has won. Although, the last 3 weeks has created a monster of eating anything within me. I need to pull out of that. Monday, I hope.
Point being... I need to find more time somewhere to do have more "me" time. Time to read a book and time to go for a walk. I really enjoy walks on my own in which I can listen to a podcast. The last 2 months have been super hot so I haven't been motivates to do it, and usually by the time the boys are asleep I am too tired to do anything. I need Thomas' help in this.
If I can do these 2 things I think everything else will get better. I think I had a better attitude when I was at least getting walks in. Having 20 minutes (literally takes me 20-30 minutes to take the walks I need to get to my step goal) really kept me happy.
Then covid hit and life got turned upside down and while I lost weight and started exercising daily, my attitude deteriorated.
It's midnight. I need to sleep.
No comments :
Post a Comment